tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
