OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
