it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
