I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
operation have a gay friend backfired
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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