this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize