mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Farmville is her only friend.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
