And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
