Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
