mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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