i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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