if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
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