Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
