Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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