i just wanna soil my oats bro
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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