I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
