My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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