I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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