sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
