i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
