3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
