mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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