I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
