I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize