I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
