O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
