dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
