I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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