I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
