Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize