I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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