he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
