just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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