My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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