Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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