Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
