I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
