It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
