Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
