Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Randomize
