I wish I could teleport
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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