Jerry, you need to find god
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
