Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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