Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
