I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
