I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
