Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize