i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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