i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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