He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
