Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
