Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
