so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
