Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize