I faked an abortion last night.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Pooping to opera.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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