I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
