I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
