I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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