I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
