btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
