I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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