You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
