Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
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