The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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