In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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