@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
try to milk me bitch
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