Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize