You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
