girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
